Crazy Day

Some days are just so routine that there is nothing to talk about..at least on here. Today was different. First thing this morning I went to my sons school where he and a classmate were taking part in the HUGE food drive that Everett High School does every year. They met me outside and we filled my van with 8 boxes of food (enough for a family of 6 for 2 weeks) and we set out on our venture to deliver Thanksgiving treats to the family in need. This was a great way to get in the spirit of the holiday. A big THANKS to EHS for providing for those less fortunate!!!

Next in my day was not very exciting at all..I met with my surgeon again (after putting him off for 2 years) and it has been decided that I will have my third hernia repair on December 29th. I have been putting it off waiting for lots of reasons.. enough PTO from work so I can still pay the bills, timing so it's convenient for my workplace, and FEAR!! This surgery is worse than have my c-sections and I am not looking forward going under the knife, however I know it is needed as this hernia is very large and as with any hernia can be life threatening. I first developed my incisional hernia when my daughter was 4 mos old..could it be a result of having an 11 lb baby and 2 c-sections..my poor stomach muscles just couldn't regain their strength :o( Anyway... I am sure once it over I will feel better knowing I have finally taken care of it.

Moving on from that.. my daughter is 14 tomorrow and since she is leaving for a soccer tournament in San Diego tomorrow (I am not going to this one) we had her birthday dinner tonight. It's always a tradition that my mom makes us our dinner of choice and a cake. My daughter was anxious for her presents and excited that it is finally her birthday! It was definitely an interesting evening trying to have fun with her and get her ready for her trip at the same time. She is very excited as she loves to travel but this time she is flying alone and as a result is a little more nervous. It will be good for her..but there is my baby flying alone on her birthday...sometimes it's hard to let go!!

WORMS!!!

Coming home tonight my oldest son (James) stopped me at the door..he was afraid to let me in because he has 11 storage boxes (like paper ream cases) sitting in my living room and he knew I would not be happy. After he explained it was for his project and that they would be only here overnight I was ok with it, then I remembered what it was for. He is a volunteer with the local childrens museum and is helping them with a community project where they are reaching out to several local elementary schools and doing a learning project in the classrooms. His project.... reading a book to the class, ok easy enough. Then they all get a small project to take home. The book - Diary of a Worm (Doreen Cronin). The project - each child gets a little chinese take out box and some wet newspaper to take home their very own worm to release to their garden. What does this mean? I have a house FULL of worms!!!! I will have interesting dreams tonight! LOL

Feelings

I started to write this blog tonight about some of the crud that I have been dealing with the past couple weeks but it just keeps changing and my words are not describing what I want to say. I have been unable to even label how I have been feeling but a few words come to mind. Rejected, frustrated, exhausted, sad, and even mad. Today it all hit me at once and even though I can't point to any one thing, it seems that I am completely out of sorts....everything feels "off".
I have a hard time talking about it because I don't want anyone to judge me, I need to be strong and just make it through. I also know I am the one that chooses to be happy and I like that feeling so when I am not happy I feel like it is a failure on my part. This feeling of not wanting to talk about how I feel sucks for me because talking is the one thing that makes me feel better. I just have been let down by too many people lately so it's easier to keep it to myself (well not really because then it just festers down deep)! So here I am writing and even though it has no specific audience..in my mind everyone is listening and maybe that will help.
I left this post for a few minutes and went to have dinner with my kids..my mother has decorated for halloween and it was nice to see actually. For the first time today I have felt a bit of relief inside. I know I will feel better soon, and I have to work at it, but sometimes working at it is too much and I wish I could just rest my head!

Shopping Adventure

So this weekend I went with my friend to get a few groceries. She is one of those that shops at different grocery stores depending on what it is she is buying. I on the other hand go to the same store all the time (pretty boring). Anyway, she takes me to Trader Joes where I have only been a few times. It is a little crowded for my enjoyment, but we are content shopping for her needs, and even a few things for myself. I have to say that I truly enjoy people watching and this is definately a store that brings in some strange (everyone is strange in their own way) characters. I was quite annoyed with this blonde chick who must have in her late 40's as she was totally in her own world and cut me off to get where she was going. Usually when this happens in a store the culprit realizes what she (or he) is doing..not this gal..she didn't know anyone was in the store besides herself. I catch up to my friend and we finish browsing the isles. I was having fun wondering about all these peoples lives and predicting how they all lived. We get into the checkout line and the checker was very nice but also in his own world. He must have had some very good mary jane before work, he really tried hard to interact with us but it was obvious his mind was elsewhere. At least he was fun. Meanwhile "Blondie" gets in line behind us, still not seeing anyone else around her. As she was looking at her wallet or something she realizes that our checker was doing a price check. She seems like she is in panic mode almost...not like she is in a hurry but like "I am here in line and no one is helping me, what's wrong? Do they not see me?" She then makes conversation with our checker and he points to the other 3 lines that were open and she moves to another line (with a longer wait). We finished 2 minutes later and as we walked out of the store (she is still waiting in line) I took a good look at her...my prediction..there really is no one else in her world. I think she was high on something and it was all she could see..herself. Very interesting evening and maybe my predictions are not at all right, but I forever will have that impression.

NINE ELEVEN

As everyone today is remembering what happened 7 years ago, I have to send hugs and well wishes to all those who suffered the loss of a loved one be it friend or family member. Many people are taking part in activities all over the US including my 15 year old son who went to be part of a rememberance walk in our city and I am proud of him for choosing (on his own) to do this. I am glad people remember the unfortunate tragedies that happen in this life but I also think it's important to remember that everyday is the anniversary for someone who lost a loved one due to a tradgedy. I am sending the same hugs and well wishes to all those families tonight as well.

Autumn

I love this time of year and yesterday I saw the final sign that my favorite season is upon us. The sun was out it was a pretty day, with a slight breeze. I was driving home from work with the windows partially down so I could feel and smell that crisp autumn air when I looked to a parking lot and saw them. Brown, red, yellow and even some green. FALLEN LEAVES! I love them!!!! I had such a content feeling as I drove the rest of the way home. I like how the weather is changing as even though I do enjoy a nice hot sunny day, I love when the night is cool or even cold. It is so refreshing. I also like back to school and the new beginnings that brings. Starting to look forward to the holidays again, halloween will be upon us shortly. I love halloween night...not so much to dress up but being outside (not in the rain) kicking around the leaves, enjoying the moonlight darkness, then afterwords a bowl of warm homemade cabbage patch soup MMMMM!!!! Yeah..I repeat I love those leaves!!!!

Smile! Have a Great Day!

I have been told on more than one occasion that I am "a nice girl". It's true, I am nice. I go out of my way to be nice to people and I hope I make at least one person smile each and every day. I was thinking about this today at work after I gave a co-worker a compliment and told her that she does a great job and that is why she is perfect for her job. Yesterday I sent someone an e-mail to thank them for helping out one of my staff. It is important to me to let people know that I see the little things and I appreciate them (I certainly appreciate knowing the things I do count in this life) .

Now don't get me wrong..I am not perfect and I do get angry with people when they seem to be acting stupid to me (like while driving, or standing with their shopping cart in the middle of the isle etc.) but I really do try to keep that in check. When I find myself angry or frustrated I really have to slow down and force myself to try and see all sides of the situation so I can get my perspective back (I generally look at everything from all angles). Once I have done that I feel better.

Ok...so the point of this is that being nice really does take a lot of energy ..I am always the one to compromise, the one to look at things from the others perspective, the one to "watch" how I word something or spend an extra 10 minutes writing an e-mail so someone doesn't interpret it wrong. Sometimes it is exhausting and I just say to myself..."Who cares? Send the e-mail as you say it ...It's their problem if they take it wrong!" or "F*** You if you don't like it". Those sentiments don't last long though...I can't intentionally or knowingly be mean, or hurt someones feelings because I always have the need to do the right thing even if I hurt in the end. Sometimes I want to say something to a person and I don't because it's just easier to take the high road and leave things alone.

Now this doesn't mean I am a pushover, I can and do stand up for myself and my beliefs, but I guess it does mean that I only choose battles that need to be fought. SO...is it good to be the "nice girl?" Well, labels can always have different meanings and I think a label in any sense tends to bring a bit of a negative connotation to it. I guess it depends on who is calling me "a nice girl" as well. If my elderly patient refers to me that way it is different than if it is some cute guy I have a crush on says it to me. Based on all I have said here I admit I am nice and will take it as a compliment from whoever calls me that. (oh..and I'll never admit if there is another "N" word that fits too) LOL